I had a moment of weakness.
I used social media to project an image of myself that I wish I felt. I thought that I could rewrite my experience in a positive light by making it public and writing something lighthearted. I thought it would make me feel better and not so lonely.
The truth is two fold. I am in Morocco because I needed to reset my visa. We realized that I needed to get out of the country ASAP and had very little time to plan. It was a horrifying realization, and I had many fears that I would not be able to return to Norway once I left.
I am also in Morocco because I am doing some powerful work in the world. I’m rolling out a paradigm shifting webinar soon on Empowerment & Sensuality. I am co-creating 2 coaching offers with retreats with my beloved that will change the lives of those who attend. I’m researching for the retreats and checking out a co-working, co-living hub in Agadir. That I’m very excited about.
I got here and had a shocking culture experience. From Norway to Morocco is a pretty extreme leap, in many ways. My first day was filled with feeling whirled around by sights and smells and ‘helpful’ shop owners. Men approached me from every direction. Maybe they were a little too helpful and maybe I was a little too nice. I didn’t say no enough my first day, and I felt some self betrayal about that.
I got a little sad, a little scared, shook up, overwhelmed, and frankly didn’t want to be here. I felt objectified and targeted for being a beautiful woman, alone.
I started to retreat away from my sensuality and beauty – since I blamed it for all the unwanted attention.
Make the best of it I heard myself say. So I did that with a photo and a post. I tried to make it all seem okay.
Here is the tearjerking moment: my man read this post before we had a chance to check in. He told me when we spoke about the feeling he got when he read that post. He told me it made his stomach drop. It was a tough and insightful ‘calling out’. He worried I was being reckless and feared for my safety. I was humbled to my core at the effect I’d had.
We had a slow conversation and I was able to reflect on this whole realization I’m sharing here now. I deleted the post before more people who cared about me got worried.
Here is a tale of the powerful alliance I am in with my partner. An example of the sheer power of our third entity. The power of being honest in relationship with my beloved. The power of practicing extreme ownership and supportiveness together with a man.
I realized something profound from staying in my experience of these thoughts and emotions in the days following:
- I don’t need to hide. I can rest into my beautiful body rather than eject from it. I can rekindle my connection with my blissful sanctuary any time I want. I can choose to stay with what makes me come alive and feel full and radiant. I am the one who chooses to abandon or stay.
- I can flirt with life, and turn the attentions I get into a game instead of making myself feel like a victim. I can talk directly to these men, look them in the eye, and speak to them not from fear or anger – but from awareness of my power, grounded in gravity. I can choose to ignore them too. I can choose anything because in my sanctuary I have mobility.
- I can say NO, and from this place, with connection to my sensual nature and my sanctuary there. Communicating from this power within, I will be heard and respected.
- It’s not my job to please anyone but myself.
- I have an amazing relationship where no matter what happens, we are committed to growing. In fact, the hardest most difficult conversations are always the most rewarding. Our third entity shows up to guide us and grow us, and that is something sacred to witness.
Four days in. A profound shift has of course occurred. I am in love with Morocco. I love the attention I get. I flirt. I feel safe. I say No with ease and grace. Abundance flows to me.
I took myself out to a fancy dinner last night and I held an intention to treat myself so good, to savor my sensuality, to greet each interaction with slowness from there. I was overcome with gratitude and waves of bliss in my body. I young boy came up to my table and gave me a rose. He brought over his acrobat friends to perform for me. The waiters doted on me and brought me delicious surprises. Life just continues to reward me for being in my grace and beauty, rather than fear and victimhood.
This experience has changed me. Changed the way I navigate in the world. I fucking feel the power of owning Sensuality as my sanctuary and birthright, and as the key to empowerment.
I’ve realized the missing link to my work, being here in Morocco, and experiencing this shift. I knew this, but now I KNOW it. I feel so fucking loved and taken care of right now – a complete 180 shift to how I felt when I first got here. And the cool part – It’s all in me. All of my reality is created right here.
I chose to feel empowered rather than victimized. And it worked. For me that means I no longer need to feel unnecessary suffering, because in this extreme experiment in Morocco, I remembered how to choose self love.
PS: I am practicing vulnerable courageous honesty here. I am not writing this to solicit your coaching, or to fix this or make me feel better. I am writing this just simply to be seen as a human making mistakes, and growing.
Thank you for listening.